I have been asked why I was so willing to help my daughter search. I felt that in order for my daughter to be complete, she needed answers to questions I couldn't answer. I completely supported her search. Actually, since [m the computer nut in our family, I was able to locate her birth mother on an adoption registry within a week. My goal for both my daughters is to see them become self-sufficient, strong, independent women. To know who they are and where they are going. My adopted daughter needed to know if there was another person in the world that looked like her and what kind of medical history she had. She needed to know why she was relinquished, if her birth mother saw her and then gave her away, or whether she was thrown in a trash can.

It took a tremendous amount of courage to take the risk to search, to take the chance she might be rejected …Rejection is a BIG issue with adoptees … Not giving her birth parents the chance to reject her was a major hurdle to overcome.

From my perspective, I feel that the rights of the adoptee are primary, #1. Since the adoptee was the only party with no choice, I feel they are entitled to call the shots, make the decisions on the direction reunion should take.

 I've come up with these "Rules" a list that continues to grow.

Firstly

Birth Parents are not allowed to say that the Adoptive Parents are crazy

Adoptive Parents are not allowed to say that the Birth Parents are crazy.

Adopted kids are not allowed to say that THEY are crazy

Adoptees should not be given a guilt trip by adoptive parents because they decided to search The adoptee needs their emotional support more than ever during this process. (It's better to go along on the roller coaster ride than be left at the gate)

Attending a support group is mandatory (even if you don't want to search). Many adoptees and birth parents have kept their issues buried and have never been able to discuss them. By not discussing their feelings, they never discovered their feelings were normal for the "place" they were in.

If you seek professional counseling, find a counselor trained in adoption issues. This will probably NOT be covered by your HMO A counselor who does not have the expertise can do more harm than good (personal experience -- a certificate in counseling does not guarantee competence).

Read, read, read ... try to see all sides of the issue Although we often refer to the triad, adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents, there are other people involved.

After the first contact is made, expect turmoil. finding is just the first step. Although they can rationalize why they were relinquished, most likely they are angry. It takes a while to get past the anger to the next step.

Birth parents, don't get mad because the adoptee is angry. That's the way they feel -- it's not a right or wrong issue-just another one they have to work through.

After birth parents are contacted, remembering the past brings up painful issues issues they have tried to bury and forget. Answer questions honestly -- don't ignore them. If you too need a break at least have the courtesy to gently tell the adoptee that you are struggling and need a break don't just ignore them.

Birth parents must understand that the adoptee is an adult -- even though you think of this person as a child. An adult whose views and values have been shaped by environment and genetics, and who probably feels they can never fit 100% into either side. I enjoy the talents and surprises my daughter brings to our family. Accept this blend, and don't try to reshape this unique individual This can only foster resentment.

Birth parents, once the honeymoon phase is over, please, don't try to control the adoptee by threatening to cut them out of your life if they don't conform to how you envision they should be. (Yes, I know that sentence was too long.) This type of behavior fulfils their greatest fear, rejection again Inflicting this type of pain over petty issues is incomprehensible. Angry words once hurled cannot be taken back. If YOU can't say something nice. just don't say anything at all.

Birth parents, don t carry tales to adoptive parents; adoptive parents, don't carry tales to birth parents. betray a confidence shared with you.

The adoptee has the right to set boundaries. Those boundaries should not be violated.

They are dealing with a puzzle with too many pieces. It takes time to try to fit the pieces together. Some pieces may never fit. Just because you are related by blood does not

mean you can actually get along with each 
other.

Birth parents also have to right to set boundaries. The pregnancy may be a secret never told. Keep this in mind. If a spouse (husband) didn't know about this before, he could be putting his wife through hell.

If you have been reunited with a child (now adult) who is married, remember that you are not in a competition with the spouse and should never try to compete. Don't bad mouth the spouse. It's none of your business who they married.

When children marry, their primary responsibility is to the family unit they are creating. It's a biblical principle. The sooner parents accept this concept, the better.

You are not privy to their financial situation, and it's none of your business. If you wonder why you are getting resentment from the spouse, it could be that this new found

relationship is placing a burden on their finances. It also dredges up issues that can strain relationships. These reunions are not all sunshine and roses, there is a lot of pain involved. The birth parents and the Adoptees are not the only people in the family who are affected by the reunion (I out of 10).

If the adoptee decides to take a vacation in your area, and doesn t contact you, don t get all worked up and angry. They are entitled to go where they want, when they want. They DO NOT have to check with their adoptive parents or their birth parents. It could be they just need to TAKE A BREAK from it all.

Birth parents and adoptive parents should foster a congenial relationship with each other. We all should have the same goal. Don't try to cut the "baby" in half. Don't make the adoptee "walk the wall "

In closing, there are times when all concerned need to take a break from the issue. Other family members get sick of hearing about this all the time. They don't really understand what all the fuss is about, and the whole world doesn't revolve around the adoption issue. There is life after reunion, and a world to enjoy. Try not to make it your whole world. 

April, 1999